First things first, I'm hoping that this will be the first post in a series about Domestic Violence. I want to look a little more into individual areas of Domestic Violence and how it can present itself in our daily lives.
Okay people, today, I want to talk to you about abuse. Typically when we think of abuse, it's physical abuse that tends to spring to mind because we all like to think that we'd spot if our loved ones suddenly started walking around with bruises and other wounds that couldn't be easily explained away. The thing is that there are many different ways in which someone can be abused and because there is no "How To Abuse Your Partner 101", you can expect the odds to be good that no list will ever cover the full signs of abuse.
Most people who have lived with abuse, if they are honest, will admit that looking back, the signs were there from pretty early on in their relationship with their abuser. Personally speaking, I can think of 3 different relationships of mine that showed warning signs from early days of the relationship.
One thing that I get asked a lot is "If you could see warning signs, why didn't you get out?". The thing is that it's not always as cut and dry as simply walking away because of the nature of abuse. Abuse relies on a degree of secrecy - and unfortunately, there are times when the victim enables it either because they fear that they won't be believed or because other areas of abuse make it hard, if not impossible for them to leave. Even if the victim is living with just one type of abuse (which is unlikely) they might fear returning to the life that they had before the abusive relationship... especially if their lifestyle was destructive in some way. Chances are that you might not know if someone's lifestyle is destructive or not from the outside looking in. It's kind of hard to miss alcohol or drug addictions, but mental illness is much easier to hide because we can appear normal on the outside - regardless of the invisible battle that we fight.
Another issue faced by men who live with domestic violence is the children. Although his wife might not be beating their children, it's always in the back of his mind that she might start if he's not there to protect them. Unfortunately, the law tends to remain in favor of awarding custody of children to the mother.
On the other side of the coin, even the state enables abuse to happen. Because of an old law that basically means that a woman becomes a man's "property" upon marriage, many couples are dealt with as a "family unit" by the DWP. Of course, that's not a problem if both the husband and the wife have access to the account that their money is paid into... but, unfortunately, no one actually checks this out before benefit claims are awarded. Naturally, I'm aware that financial abuse can happen from the husband to the wife as well as from the wife to the husband - which is why equal access is an important factor to me... at least that way, the party who is being abused at least stands a chance of beating their abuser to their only source of income for 2 weeks.
As I briefly mentioned earlier on, abuse requires a degree of secrecy in order to maintain its effectiveness... so isolation can also be a clue that someone who you know and love might be being abused by their partner. In general, people are highly unlikely to suddenly change their tastes and hobbies overnight - in much the same way as they suddenly have no time for friends who they were once very close to.
If you had or have a friend who once spent hours talking to you but now seems to be antsy in your presence or is openly ignoring you, always try to keep the door open for him or her because it is possible that they might be being abused. They might one day open up to you about what they are living with.
